We Put A Pearl Into the Ground

And so it begins once again. The moment my life goes back to being as carefree as it was in summer, I will jump for joy and have enough energy to run around a football track like, eight times. It's like the wound that severed my heart in two that was healing is being gradually torn open again, slowly leaking more pain, more blood. This time, though, I have given up trying to fix it, trying to keep it from hurting. I simply just let it be, no longer bothering with it. It's kind of annoying, actually. Like it's been going on for so long that it's just boring. But it's not changning, no matter what I do. And so I'm doing nothing. Perhaps nothing works but nothing. I wasn't even planning on typing anything, I just needed something to do while I'm waiting for the shower to be open. It's 11:30, and I have to be awake by no later than eight o'clock, and I need more than eight hours tonight to catch up on previous lost sleep. But again, I just don't even care. I don't care if I look like a sleep-deprived zombie in the morning. It's not like there's anyone at this school I'm trying to look good for, and even if there was, it's not as if they'd even notice. Maybe I can concentrate on being tired rather than other things. Also, I've never once used my copier that is built into my printer, and I needed to use it today. It didn't work, and it made my printer freeze on "Shutting Down," for the past several hours. Guess my French partner isn't getting any notes. But whatever, we were supposed to study together today and she tells me, "I'm the worst partner you could have," which she proved as she did everything BUT review for our rather important oral exam first thing Monday morning, which we found out about on Tuesday. So I shouldn't even have to write notes for her anyway, I had only offered to be nice. But speaking of the language, it is serving as kind of an aid for me to get my mind off of everything. I'm even drawing in French now! Like, when I put up lyrics and made-up phrases with pictures on my wall from my sketchbook--some of the phrases are in French now, and it looks badass. Or just better, at least. Perhaps I shall go commence with that, because right when I start that I usually grow tired, and that is what I need.

"So pretty, so smart, such a waste of a young heart. Don't you see what's wrong, can't you get it right? Out of mind and out of sight."

Help Me to Carry the Fire, It Will Light Up Our Way Forever

For once I decided not to turn music on. I feel like I need this silence. My parents are up at my Aunt Sandy's, a place in which I would very much like to be right now. It's like a sanctuary. Three hundred sixty-five acres of pure beauty. I especially love it in fall, and I love all the stars that cannot otherwise be seen in the city. I love the cabin; it's more like a hotel. They're there until Monday, it's kind of depressing. At least they didn't take the dogs with them this time, so I'm not completely alone. Speaking of which, to help cope with my low-set mood as of late, I decided that I'd lke to go see New Moon, by myself. I know I could have asked someone to go with me, but I just really didn't want to. There are times when I just really, really need to be alone. I probably should have chosen a happier movie, though. I cried, and strangers were seated on either side of me. One was like, an old Hispanic man who switched seats to be closer to me. It was weird. But whatever. Secretly, though, I feel kind of like Bella does. When I read the book, I echoed how she felt so it was a bit difficult for me to read because it's what I was going through and felt at the time, you know, when she's all deserted and basically turns into a vegetable. But also in the book and movie, she chooses to avoid anything romantic, and opts for recklessness and slasher movies. I was kind of wishing I was in a slasher flick where everyone dies and the ending is bad. The movie made me feel like a pathetic little loner who spends too much time daydreaming and waiting for someone to come along who actually not only finds me interesting, but also understands me. Someone who's literally mesmerizing. But it's safe to say that  I've pretty much given up on that. I don't care how overdramatic that may sound, because it's true. I'm really beginning to think, though, that I'm just supposed to be alone. Maybe one day I'll learn to like it and cherish it. Having a life with someone is meant for some people. Actually, a lot of people. But perhaps I'm not one of them. Guys are never interested in me anyway. I'm not trying to sound all down on myself, though I know it seems that way. But really, they aren't. It's always my friends. Like, really. All the time. If it's not one, it's the other. If it's not either, then it's something else, like he's gay or has a girlfriend. It's not like they can help it; they're cool people, and pretty. But it's like, does that mean that I am not those things? Am I ugly and strange? What if they think I look like a lagoon creature? Have ugly clothes? Have nothing to say worth listening to? If someone really wanted to talk to me, they would. But no one does, so no one must think I seem worth getting to know. That's how it all makes sense to me. So if no one wants me, no one will mind if I step out of the game and boycott relationships. I wouldn't be able to function well in another one, anyway. I don't know that I'm fixable. There's a song that Bloc Party sings that goes, "If it can be broke, then it can be fixed." I think I proved that lyric wrong. Sorry, Bloc Party. And since we're on the subject of lyrics, there is a song which I love that has been pertaining to me as of late. Here it goes: "There's a possibility, there's a possibility all that I had was all I'm gonna get. Tell me when you hear my silence, there's a possibility I wouldn't know. " It's called (you guessed it) "Possibility" by Lykke Li.

Fare thee well.

Candlelight

So, today I was walking back from film studies in a daze, and this guy smiled at me really big, like almost abnormal. I was going to smile back, but I forgot because I was distracted by how straight his teeth were. I hope he doesn't think I'm rude. But anyway, it was nice, and it made me realize that even the simplest gestures from a stranger can make someone else feel good, if even for a short amount of time. I haven't been having the best circumstances surround me as of late, but just one small thing from some random person can take away bad feelings, feelings of sadness. I have this quote on my wall, torn from a magazine. It says, "Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." I try to employ that practice as much as I can, but want to do so even more now. What if a person is having a horrible day, whilst having to deal with rude people, and I could momentarily take that away from them just by doing one small, tiny nice thing? Not that I was mean before or anything, because I wasn't, but I am just realizing more-so than ever how important the little things are. Especially with my friends, too. The entirety of this past week has basically been spent with Bonnie and Alyssa, and tomorrow and Friday will be as well. I talk to Shi & Sarah almost every day, too. I don't think I've laughed as hard as I have this week in a very long time; I forgot how much fun I can actually have when I'm free. I'm starting to feel like I did in the summer, when I was "glowing" as Bonnie once put, because I was just having fun and doing things that made me happy. Like today, Bons & Alyssa came over to my room and we did makeshift pedicures and just talked and were weird. Then we went to our dancing, to our ANTM, and ended up acting like little kids running around. I just haven't done that in forever because think it's because I never paid much attention and care to myself, never doing things that made me happy. It's like this concept I read in a magazine that Michelle Obama used. She said that she always puts her kids and family first, but that she is a very close second. Before, I would put everyone else first, but not even really consider me. Now I'm in her situation. People are still put first, but I am a very close second. I've also learned to not see anything at all as insignificant, because it could always be very significant to someone else in some way I could never think of.

Also, just to get this off my chest. Those who know me know I'm a horrid hypochondriac. But now I'm actually kind of legitimately scared that something's wrong with me. Parts of my neck keep hurting! And it's like a weird hurt...it comes, then leaves quickly, and repeats. It only has been like that today. Sometimes I feel slightly dizzy when I'm walking around or get up. Not like, fall over a chair dizzy, but enough to notice. And I know it's not the iron-defficiency because I took an iron pill today! And I don't think it's menangitis because I can touch my chin to my chest, and you're not supposed to be able to do that if you have it. Could it be because I haven't gone to get my glasses (ew) yet? Or maybe because I chronically and unconsciously grind my teeth...or stress? But I've been way more stressed than this before and haven't had this brand of discomfort in my neck. I used to think I had a brain tumor, but then my mom told me not to worry unless I have double-vision and vomiting and headaches. But now parts of my head hurt! I want to know what it is or I will continue to freak out. Meh. But sometimes typing it all out makes me feel less afraid.

The End.

Lose With Eloquence, and Smile

I had that Student Host thing yesterday/this morning. It was relatively painless. We had to do "icebreakers," which are actually a nightmare in disguise for me, but I lived. We had to have the spotlight on us and do that whole, "My name is...I am...etc" which I hate because I'm kind of socially retarded. I did not, however, enjoy the company of a few of the other hosts. Two of them that were hosting my girl's friends were either giving me weird looks or weren't very nice. I was kind of surprised, because we're supposed to be an example and not scary. I think they just thought I was weird, but whatever, I know I did a good job, and they were boring and mean. But ugh, there was this other girl, I don't even know her name, but she kept acting like she was in charge of everything, telling other people what to do, dominating every conversation, and I kind of wanted to push her off the top of Sandburg. And of course she was pretty much perfect-looking. Needless to say, I kind of hate people like that. But, like I said, I lived through it.

I should be doing my film homework, but I feel like it would be a lost cause with the amount of things on my mind right now. I'm just kind of spiralling, not downward and not upward. Just circling round and round, without changing levels. It's really getting old. I don't even know how I got here. Like, what did I do wrong? Is it too much to ask to just be able to not have anything to worry about? The summer was one of the most care-free times of my life, and I loved it. Now it's back to black clouds overhead. Actually, I like overcast weather, so that's a poor analogy, but whatever. It just kind of sucks. I am [im]patiently awaiting going down to Florida to see my dad the day after Thanksgiving. The beach, wonderful smelling sheets, and many games of pool will surely be a vacation from this stress. Hopefully my new-learned talents didn't wear off here in Wisconsin: it's on my bucket list to be able to beat a round of dudes at pool, haha. This little midget being victorious, they won't know what hit them.

I'm looking farward to Friday, because it's been a long time since I've seen my friend Shianna's shows. Probably like March or something, maybe even February. And also, I've been meaning to go into that Eighth Note place, but never have because I feel like they'd look at me weird--someone told me scary people go in there and brood. It, too, will give me something to do, something to take what is currently ailing my mind away for a while. And the last time Shi & I hung out, not including Qdoba lunch breaks, was far too long ago when we went to see Sena get her tatoo. That is preposterous. Hmm, I suppose I should actually get my work done, seeing as I basically have forty minutes before I have to be downstairs.

Au revoir.