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| For once, despite the many things I have on my mind, I don't even want to write any of it down. I don't even want to do anything. I kind of just want to drink a gallon of chocolate soy milk, eat all my mints, and fall asleep and have the entirety of my dream be the weird abstractness from the iTunesVisualizer and wake up when I can do something extraordinary. Yeah, there has got to be something wrong with me. | | |
| So, I realized, upon reading something, the following: I fit in nowhere, so therefore I don't really have any specific expectations from anyone that I need to live up to. I don't mean that to sound like a negative thing. I mean to say that that means I have it relatively easy. I do, however, have my own expectations for myself. Like giving everyone a chance, always finding good in people, and always being considerate, putting people before me, even if I have to go out of my way. Those are the rules I have for myself. I don't even want to call them rules, because many times rules are just wainting to be broken and there is a certain obligation to follow them to avoid penalty. I am without obligation, and I am without penalty, so I suppose rule is not the correct term. But I'm sure one knows what I mean. But that brings me to my next point, even though I'm not sure that it makes sense. Maybe no one is supposed to fit in anywhere, but they just think that they need to. Maybe everyone is a black sheep deep down, but they don't realize it because they are so caught up trying to fit the mold of what people expect from them. Of course I am being very vague, though. But still. And maybe people get so caught up at so young, that they sort just get kind of lost in said molds, and never really come out of them, or maybe they do later than they'd have liked. So I will forever cherish being somewhat of an outsider, and I will hold that part of me close. I'll take it as a compliment. I hope no one thinks I'm being un-modest...I don't mean to be like, blah blah blah, I'm the only one who realizes this, yadda yadda. I could make absolutely no sense for all I know. So I hope no one gets that feeling, though, because that's not what I'm shooting for. ANYWHO. That is all. Goodnight. | | |
| I couldn't agree more with that statement. Some people do not apply, and I envy them. Not in the green-eyed-monster sense. More of a longing sort of way...At the current, I'm debating whether or not to restart the OC season one from the first episode. The last episode of the last season just finished, and I feel completely depressed. Not because it's over, but because I completely over-analyze everything that is played out before me and I act as if it's real life. I guess I just became completely depressed by how much everything changes...whether in real life or just in teenage dramas on t.v. But would we be any happier if things stayed the same? Some people could answer yes. Others would saw off their left arm to have things not remain the same. And me? I can't tell. If things stayed like this, I think I could die. But yet I don't want things to change because I know that said change would also bring pain. I wonder each day how the hell I got myself here. What am I doing? I don't think I'm doing anything. Just thinking, dreaming, wishing. But do we ever really know what we're wishing for? Do we really know if we truly want that? Who knows? Does anyone? Does life even have answers? What if people go their whole lives trying to "find life's answers" and it's all in vain because there are none? It's quite possible that the only answers to life's questions and obstacles are the ones we create ourselves simply by a dash of realizations and/or content. Could it be that there are no answers, and that there are just simply solutions? It sounds like that could be the same thing, but to me there is a hair of a difference that is difficult to explain and understand unless someone thinks in the same nonsense way that I do. Or maybe solution is a poor word. Resolution? That could apply a bit better. Whatever. One thing is for sure, though, and that is that once I stumble across someone who can dive to the level of depth where my thoughts lie and help me understand, then I'll have at least found one resolution. Maybe they wouldn't even have to dive. Maybe they'd already be there. Maybe they're at a greater depth than I am, even? I don't mean to sound condescending to anyone and how they think, so I apologize if it comes off that way. No, I guess that what I am trying to say is that since "life is a dream 'cause i'm walking in my sleep," that I need someone to wake me up so life won't be a dream, it will be life. I've tried waking myself up, but who can wake themselves up from dreams? If you can, let me know and teach me how. Song is "Life Is A Song" by Patrick Park. Go listen to it. | | |
| Is it odd that such seemingly smal things can put me in the greatest of moods? I was on my way to my nine o'clock math class this morning, the weather felt amazing. It wa chilly but the breeze was warm, and there was a smell in the air that fits with this time of year. Followed by the old yet scenic buildings that I have to pass to get to Merrill, it created a sense of euphoria. I guess I just become very inspired by things like that. Now more than ever I wish I didn't have to work today so I can spend the day by the lake or downtown or something. Sigh. At least there is a possibilty of me getting Alterra or something of the sort. I need all the caffeine I can get today, for my sleep last night was lacking, and tonight is going to be a late one. And tomorrow morning, too. Meh. I have pretty much nothing else to say, I just felt the need to babble about the weather...typical... | | |
| I'm in this weird funk, and I can't explain it or where it came from. My neck and back hurt from sleeping all day yesterday, and a few times this morning I felt queasy, so that is an unplesant addition to my demeanor. I'm feeling way more neurotic than usual, and it's freaking me out. I also feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. Maybe subconsciously it's because I am so fearful of losing my Oma that I'm trying to prepare myself for it so it's not as bad when it happens. She became sick yesterday. She has had cancer for a couple years, but what is scaring everyone is her symptoms she had yesterday--the same things my grandma (on my dad's side) experience before she literally dropped dead. It was quite horrific, especially because my grandma wasn't even sick, and Oma is. If I lose her, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I'll be able to function for a while. All the things she's given me over the years I won't be able to touch, and I won't be able to look at any of them without thinking of her. I know I could be over-reacting, because clearly she is still here, and she was feeling better as the day went on. But still. If I get a call from my mom any time soon, I'm just going to assume the worst. But even without that ailing me, I still feel off. Simultaneuously I'll be craving company to avoid a breakdown but then at the same time I'll want to be alone. And when I'm alone I hate not having anything to do, but at the same time I won't want to do anything. But I am going to church today, so I am counting on that to make me feel at least a little better. But also, I feel terrible about yesterday because I was so inredibly hungover I couldn't even walk without feeling completely deathly. I hardly ever drink anymore, except for Saturday night when I wanted to play beer pong. I don't like the taste of liquor at all and I don't enjoy beer, but I made an exception and took it too far and got hammered. I thought my mom knew I drank before so when she asked why I felt sick I told her it was because I played too much beer pong. She got pissed, said something about failing as a mom because both her daughters were hammered last night, and while that is slightly irrational reasoning, I felt bad because it was after that that I learned that my Oma was sick. I'm assuming that's why my mom was in a less than stellar mood beforehand, and I made it worse by being a sloppy sick mess. I hope she doesn't think I go and party all the time, because I don't. Sure I have before, but I am so over it, and I think it's stupid. I can't begin to understand why so many people my age think it's cool to go get trashed every weeked, skip half their classes, etc. Like, really? That makes you cool? Okay, if you say so. I just don't get it. I'm glad I got all my partying out of my system in high school instead of diving in head-first in college. I just think it's stupid. It's so attractive when I guy doesn't need to be drunk to have fun, but so far from what I've seen it's like all guys always want to get drunk; same with all the girls here. There are always exceptions, but not many. I thought I'd find my niche here, but I haven't. Perhaps I am in one of my own? I love my friends to death but I know they don't know the real me. No one does. Most of it is because I haven't shown my real side all the way yet. Beats me as to why. Maybe it's because I don't think anyone will find it cool, special, so I'm waiting to share it with someone that I know will. But ah. I need to leave for class. I should've been doing homework, but was doing this instead. Whoops. | | |
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