| | I honestly do not really feel like I just lived my last day of high school. It's like...weird. I associate high school with youth, and now that I'm done, I feel like my youth is over. But I still feel young, and so therefore feel like I am this fragile, naive thing being thrust into an environment I am not so sure I'm ready to face. At the very least, though, I am thankful I have some of my best friends living the same thing simultaneously. It's going to be odd, college. College! It sounds so...old. As far as many people are concerned, I still look like I'm fourteen (or 'not a day older than twelve' according to an elderly gentleman). It's just weird. That's really all I can say to describe it. Hm.
Anywho. I am actually very bewildered at the situation currently at hand with me and a certain male. My brain hurts whenever I try to comprehend what goes on in that dense skull of his. After everything that he did to me, then ignoring me for three months like I didn't exist, now he decides that it's a good time to try and talk to me. And I'm not having any of it. The chances numbered too many, and the chances blown number even more than that. A line needs to be drawn, and while it very well should have been drawn like, almost two years ago, it is happening now. And that line, mind you, is impenetrable. I mean, will someone please tell me why I should have the obligation to answer him back now when he did everything he did and then ignored me? I mean, what the hell? I really honestly wonder if he's retarded sometimes. I'm not trying to be mean. Like, I honestly have wondered that. It's like we can be okay whenever it's convenient for him. Well, what about me? "Okay, I'm done being the world's largest and most pathetic asshole, so can we like, uh, talk now? But once I decide to be an asshole again, I'm just going to let you know by NOT SAYING ANYTHING. Yuh. Bye now." Heh. Not happening. I'm past that. I've learned my lesson, finally. I am no longer going to allow myself to let him hurt me. He may have done all those horrible things, but I was the one who allowed it to happen & allowed him to treat me like that. It's a bit embarassing, but I'm also glad it happened because it was one massive learning experience. So I guess if I ever do talk to him again, I should thank him in providing the base knowledge for my education in Relationshits 101.
How hm. I spent like, twenty minutes babbling on here instead of studying for my math exam tomorrow. It's weird, going in that classroom, because B.J. sits in my row. And while an empty desk is not something out of the ordinary, his is, because we all know why it's empty. I can't help but just like, stare at it, and wonder if someone unknowingly sits there in another hour. I wonder how Mr. T feels, since he admitedly was not too fond of B.J. What's worse in that class is B.J.'s really good friend, who sits behind me. He just walked passed his desk today so slowly, and just ever so slightly touched the empty desk with his fingers. I was so sad about it yesteday, but what made me more sad was seeing the people who were really close to B.J. in tears and sobs. And his usually tough-yet-jolly friends all silent, blank, and teary-eyed. I just sort of broke down. Tragedy is terrible and, in some cases, completely unexpected, as this one was. We are all so privelaged and blessed, though, to know he's in heaven and to know that one day we will be to. There's this analogy in one of my favorite books by Max Lucado. He writes that God is like an author. An author of the 'book' of our individual lives, as well as the author of just all of our lives as a whole. Then the book is read by us (aka we live our life/watch other people live their lives). We didn't write the book, so we don't know what's going to happen. We don't know the ending, we don't know the twists, we just don't know. But we read on, and gasp and laugh and cry and drop our jaws at all these different parts, and meanwhile, the author just sits quietly and all-knowingly, because he wrote the book, just like God 'wrote' our lives. B.J's death was a tragic chapter, but it's not the end. None of us saw it coming, but God knew about it, and he knows that good that's going to come of it. So, yeah.
It's odd how I can start with one thing in mind, then by the time I am done typing I cover like a zillion different subjects. Oh well. I'm going to sleep.
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| | Posted 5/27/2009 10:08 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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