It's weird how so many of the things that make me happiest are also the things that are capable of making me feel the most lonely. Tomorrow should be interesting. Two exams, then graduation practice. Then a funeral, and then a night out with the group that is becoming regulars for the weekend, paired with a hard cement floor with oodles of people I don't yet know. Tomorrow is going to be a day where so many things sink in at once. One being that I'm graduating, and leaving high school behind. Another, that B.J is actually really gone. And yet another, that despite the crowds that parties bring, I will once again be alone in a room overly filled with people and noise. It's supposed to be a "Stoplight Party." Singles wear green, taken is red, and hard to get is yellow. So I guess I should just be honest to any green guys and wear yellow. I feel like wearing green would be broadcasting "Hey, I'm a loner, come talk to me, I'm easy." But yellow could be a sort of deterrance. Wearing both would make me appear as some sort of off-season Packer fanatic (nothing against the Packers, of course).Yellow is looking like a good idea, though. I highly doubt I'll meet my ideal guy at a party. Of course I could be wrong, but probably not. Most guys who go to parties go with the ideal of hooking up with some chick, and I don't want that.

Meanwhile, I'm logged onto Stickam, but I can't tell if it's working or not. Like, my webcam on my computer works, but I can't tell if it works on there cause it's just a black screen. So it that black screen me, or the lack of someone on the other end? I don't actually really want to chat with people, especially via webcam. I just feel the need to use my webcam because I have one. That probably hardly makes sense, but I hardly make sense like 90% of the time. Hm. Oh! It just made a noise, but I don't know what it means. Hmph. My tv just froze. In the OC episode I just watched before this current one, Marissa is sitting on a bench with Ryan in this gorgeous dress, and she's shivering. And he, (who is looking handsome in a tux, mind you) is like, "Are you cold?" and Marissa goes, "Like always," or something. and Ryan takes off his tux outercoat and wraps it around her, and they're SO CLOSE, like they're about to kiss, and then her phone rings...I want that to happen to me! It'd be so cute. Dress, tux, and all. Sigh. Well, I guess not necessarily a dress and/or tux, but it'd add to it. But I feel like all the guys I meet are either sleezeballs, or just interested in other kinds of girls. Not really anyone is ever interested in me. I'm not trying to get all down on myself and insecure or anything, I'm being honest. They're just not. Maybe it's just because I'm so guarded now. I don't think I ever used to be so guarded, but I guess that is one of the main demonstrating factors of how much I've changed. I guess I'm just waiting for that person who is willing to climb over the wall I've constructed. Someone who I want to climb over. I mean, I'm sure somewhere there's a few people who might try to climb over, but I want to keep them out. Which I guess furthers my belief that I should definitely wear yellow to this party...Sigh.