| | I feel like I've just received a request, that, upon accepting, would require me to sign away my soul. It shouldn't be a decisive matter at all. Part of who I am is being the person who's always trying to help, always the person trying to save the one who needs saving. So why do I have such a hard time with this recent case? I've been with him nearly three years, and now, after about 5 months of nothing at all from him but memories and stale thoughts, he's back in my life. And how he wants help with laying off the drinking. Well, what does he think I've been trying to do when we were together?! When he was hurting me? Lying to me, cheating on me, treating me like garbage? The majorit of that relationship was spent with me trying to save him. And I was a failure, because he didn't want help, he didn't think he needed help, and I was kicked to the curb numerous times. This last time I thought would be, well, the last time. And now he wants my help. What am I supposed to do? If I tell him no, then he really has no othr source of help. And then telling him no would have to mean saying goodbye again. And saying goodbye again would eat away at whatever heart I have left after everything that has happened. I don't think I would be able to say goodbye again, even if I had to. But what if I were to say yes? Then I would be entering a long, dark, possibly endless tunnel of unhappiness and suffering while I spend all my time and energy on saving someone else. Friends and family both have told me that I'm a different person without him, in a good way. So if I were to go back, even if it isn't necissarily for a fourth or fifth try at a relationship? It would put strain on everything else. And there would still be no one to save me. It won't be him, either. If he can't save himself, how can he save me? He's one of the reasons why I need saving! He can't save me from what he did. Life wasn't easy without him, but it was easier. Because then I could worry about myself, and not trying to fix someone else that I loved. And now I'm back on that track again. This is a never-ending circle. When will I have a moment to breathe? I feel like someone is taking my oxygen that I need to live, and using it to sustain his self. Not purposely--because he sees no other way to breathe his own air, and live for him self. And if I do say yes, and he does improve, what's stopping him from changing-again-back to his old ways? It's never happened any other way than that, so what would stop him this time? What would be different? It's just this unpleasant redundancy that sits there and festers, never fully healed. Well, I've babbled on long enough. If only I could memorize this little speech for when I am asked to explain myself to people... |
| | Posted 6/16/2009 1:20 PM - 7 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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