Hearts_andHammers's Xanga

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:18:40 GMT

For once, despite the many things I have on my mind, I don't even want to write any of it down. I don't even want to do anything. I kind of just want to drink a gallon of chocolate soy milk, eat all my mints, and fall asleep and have the entirety of my dream be the weird abstractness from the iTunesVisualizer and wake up when I can do something extraordinary. Yeah, there has got to be something wrong with me.

Makeshift Wings

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:37:01 GMT

So, I realized, upon reading something, the following: I fit in nowhere, so therefore I don't really have any specific expectations from anyone that I need to live up to. I don't mean that to sound like a negative thing. I mean to say that that means I have it relatively easy. I do, however, have my own expectations for myself. Like giving everyone a chance, always finding good in people, and always being considerate, putting people before me, even if I have to go out of my way. Those are the rules I have for myself. I don't even want to call them rules, because many times rules are just wainting to be broken and there is a certain obligation to follow them to avoid penalty. I am without obligation, and I am without penalty, so I suppose rule is not the correct term. But I'm sure one knows what I mean. But that brings me to my next point, even though I'm not sure that it makes sense. Maybe no one is supposed to fit in anywhere, but they just think that they need to. Maybe everyone is a black sheep deep down, but they don't realize it because they are so caught up trying to fit the mold of what people expect from them. Of course I am being very vague, though. But still. And maybe people get so caught up at so young, that they sort just get kind of lost in said molds, and never really come out of them, or maybe they do later than they'd have liked. So I will forever cherish being somewhat of an outsider, and I will hold that part of me close. I'll take it as a compliment. I hope no one thinks I'm being un-modest...I don't mean to be like, blah blah blah, I'm the only one who realizes this, yadda yadda. I could make absolutely no sense for all I know. So I hope no one gets that feeling, though, because that's not what I'm shooting for. ANYWHO. That is all. Goodnight.

Life Is A Dream 'Cause We're All Walking In Our Sleep

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:42:50 GMT

I couldn't agree more with that statement. Some people do not apply, and I envy them. Not in the green-eyed-monster sense. More of a longing sort of way...At the current, I'm debating whether or not to restart the OC season one from the first episode. The last episode of the last season just finished, and I feel completely depressed. Not because it's over, but because I completely over-analyze everything that is played out before me and I act as if it's real life. I guess I just became completely depressed by how much everything changes...whether in real life or just in teenage dramas on t.v. But would we be any happier if things stayed the same? Some people could answer yes. Others would saw off their left arm to have things not remain the same. And me? I can't tell. If things stayed like this, I think I could die. But yet I don't want things to change because I know that said change would also bring pain. I wonder each day how the hell I got myself here. What am I doing? I don't think I'm doing anything. Just thinking, dreaming, wishing. But do we ever really know what we're wishing for? Do we really know if we truly want that? Who knows? Does anyone? Does life even have answers? What if people go their whole lives trying to "find life's answers" and it's all in vain because there are none? It's quite possible that the only answers to life's questions and obstacles are the ones we create ourselves simply by a dash of realizations and/or content. Could it be that there are no answers, and that there are just simply solutions? It sounds like that could be the same thing, but to me there is a hair of a difference that is difficult to explain and understand unless someone thinks in the same nonsense way that I do. Or maybe solution is a poor word. Resolution? That could apply a bit better. Whatever. One thing is for sure, though, and that is that once I stumble across someone who can dive to the level of depth where my thoughts lie and help me understand, then I'll have at least found one resolution. Maybe they wouldn't even have to dive. Maybe they'd already be there. Maybe they're at a greater depth than I am, even? I don't mean to sound condescending to anyone and how they think, so I apologize if it comes off that way. No, I guess that what I am trying to say is that since "life is a dream 'cause i'm walking in my sleep," that I need someone to wake me up so life won't be a dream, it will be life. I've tried waking myself up, but who can wake themselves up from dreams? If you can, let me know and teach me how. Song is "Life Is A Song" by Patrick Park. Go listen to it.

Whether the Weather

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:06:26 GMT

Is it odd that such seemingly smal things can put me in the greatest of moods? I was on my way to my nine o'clock math class this morning, the weather felt amazing. It wa chilly but the breeze was warm, and there was a smell in the air that fits with this time of year. Followed by the old yet scenic buildings that I have to pass to get to Merrill, it created a sense of euphoria. I guess I just become very inspired by things like that. Now more than ever I wish I didn't have to work today so I can spend the day by the lake or downtown or something. Sigh. At least there is a possibilty of me getting Alterra or something of the sort. I need all the caffeine I can get today, for my sleep last night was lacking, and tonight is going to be a late one. And tomorrow morning, too. Meh. I have pretty much nothing else to say, I just felt the need to babble about the weather...typical...

Telescope Eyes

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:36:15 GMT

I'm in this weird funk, and I can't explain it or where it came from. My neck and back hurt from sleeping all day yesterday, and a few times this morning I felt queasy, so that is an unplesant addition to my demeanor. I'm feeling way more neurotic than usual, and it's freaking me out. I also feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. Maybe subconsciously it's because I am so fearful of losing my Oma that I'm trying to prepare myself for it so it's not as bad when it happens. She became sick yesterday. She has had cancer for a couple years, but what is scaring everyone is her symptoms she had yesterday--the same things my grandma (on my dad's side) experience before she literally dropped dead. It was quite horrific, especially because my grandma wasn't even sick, and Oma is. If I lose her, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I'll be able to function for a while. All the things she's given me over the years I won't be able to touch, and I won't be able to look at any of them without thinking of her. I know I could be over-reacting, because clearly she is still here, and she was feeling better as the day went on. But still. If I get a call from my mom any time soon, I'm just going to assume the worst. But even without that ailing me, I still feel off. Simultaneuously I'll be craving company to avoid a breakdown but then at the same time I'll want to be alone. And when I'm alone I hate not having anything to do, but at the same time I won't want to do anything. But I am going to church today, so I am counting on that to make me feel at least a little better. But also, I feel terrible about yesterday because I was so inredibly hungover I couldn't even walk without feeling completely deathly. I hardly ever drink anymore, except for Saturday night when I wanted to play beer pong. I don't like the taste of liquor at all and I don't enjoy beer, but I made an exception and took it too far and got hammered. I thought my mom knew I drank before so when she asked why I felt sick I told her it was because I played too much beer pong. She got pissed, said something about failing as a mom because both her daughters were hammered last night, and while that is slightly irrational reasoning, I felt bad because it was after that that I learned that my Oma was sick. I'm assuming that's why my mom was in a less than stellar mood beforehand, and I made it worse by being a sloppy sick mess. I hope she doesn't think I go and party all the time, because I don't. Sure I have before, but I am so over it, and I think it's stupid. I can't begin to understand why so many people my age think it's cool to go get trashed every weeked, skip half their classes, etc. Like, really? That makes you cool? Okay, if you say so. I just don't get it. I'm glad I got all my partying out of my system in high school instead of diving in head-first in college. I just think it's stupid. It's so attractive when I guy doesn't need to be drunk to have fun, but so far from what I've seen it's like all guys always want to get drunk; same with all the girls here. There are always exceptions, but not many. I thought I'd find my niche here, but I haven't. Perhaps I am in one of my own? I love my friends to death but I know they don't know the real me. No one does. Most of it is because I haven't shown my real side all the way yet. Beats me as to why. Maybe it's because I don't think anyone will find it cool, special, so I'm waiting to share it with someone that I know will. But ah. I need to leave for class. I should've been doing homework, but was doing this instead. Whoops.

Heard Them Stirring

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:13:27 GMT

Today is just a blah day. I woke up too tired since I was doing laundry until midnight with Kelly. They didn't have wi-fi, so I couldn't do my math, which means I have a heap of it to do tonight. I was organzing the rest of my clothes in my dorm, but the only noteable progress I made was hanging up a shoe hanger thing in the closet and putting like three pairs of shoes in a pile. I'm thinking about coloring my hair again. I hate dying it for the fact that I hate fake things when it comes to appearances and would much rather it be au naturale, but I am kind of an ever changing person, and I sort of let that out on my hair. I had a one-on-one meeting with my RA, and I hate things like that where they ask you questions about yourself, yadda yadda. You'd think that since it's myself, it would be easy, right? All I can muster as an answer is "uhm." And sometimes I just make stuff up to keep things moving, or I say something completely and totally uninteresting like, "hang out with friends," a bunch of times because that's all I can think of on the spot. And then I think, why is this so hard? Like, what do I do with my time, and what do I like? I know what I like when it comes along. Like grocer shopping without an actual list--if I see it, I know I like it or need it and then grab it. But I can't make a list and tell myself or someone else exactly what I like. And then, what do I do for fun? "Uhm," I say. I don't even know. I'm sitting here with nothing to do and I can't even think of what I would want to be doing for fun. I keep to myself, but that sounds anti-social when I say it. I spend most of my time thinking, but, again, that's not something to say when asked what I do in my spare time. "I think!" Yeah, no. I kind of hinted at the fact that I hibernate in my room and write, but I didn't mention what I write, or why I write, and I didn't mention that for everything I write and think, there is a corresponding playlist on my iPod with some random title. I'm just a daydreamer, I suppose. That's what I do: I day dream and become inspired. But I have so much to do and I don't even know where to start, and my dad keeps texting me asking me if I went to the Financial Aid office since they took away one of my loans and I ignore him because I haven't, and I have tons of schoolwork that is frustratingly difficult, and I work all this weekend, and I'm tired even though I had two cups of coffee and a Starbucks and dfdgbdfhgibqfu. Oh, and I need to find a second job asap, then add that to my list of to-do's. When did life become so fast-paced and crazy? I am not equipped to handle such things. Or maybe I am, but I don't want to because I am not done being a kid. I still feel like a lost seventeen year old girl with the world to see, and I am not ready to stop being that person. But I don't have a choice. I feel like this new person, the eighteen-year-old me with adult responsibilites, came and sucker-punched my seventeen year old youthful self out of the picture and took over. So many older people tell me I have the mind of a fourty-year old. I miss being the young girl with the old mind, reserved and mature and a little lost, but could handle it because of being grown up for my age. But now I am technically grown up, and I can't handle it. And it doesn't make any sense; my mind is just a whirlwind of different things that won't shut up. I could handle grown-up thins when I wasn't. Now that I am, I want to go running backwards. It's like going against the rip-tide--you can't go agaisnt it, you just have to go with it. And I don't want to. And I am thinking so many other things that I don't know what to do about, or I do know and don't like it, so I just don't do anything, and simply let. Putting it off until I have to face it. Or I lose myself in writing, and I cast aside everything else until I am out of the zone I am in when I write, or listen to music, or whatever. I just can't do anything else when I am in that zone. It's like I become hypnotized by what I am thinking or daydreaming about, and it doesn't go away until I have a decent amount down.

I don't even know how I got on this subject, but I suppose it was nice. Except now I have no more excuses but to finish my room and start my homework. Meh.

We Dance in Dark Suspension

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:10:05 GMT

I should be leaving for my class right about now, and I would be if I wasn't feeling under the weather. I could probably go, but if I have what my friend has (which is a mystery) then I want to rest up as much as I can so it doesn't get worse. Also, there is a discussion today at three in which I am planning on going to if I feel better, so I'm not that concerned about missing today. Then we're going to the doctor today at noon. I hate doctors, but I figure I should suck it up before I plop onto the swine bandwagon or something.

College life is different, but I thought it would be more so. And I thought I'd have a crush on somebody by now. I mean, there are thousands of people here, there has to be one, right? Not the case. I'm picky when it comes to who I would date, but I'm not picky when it comes to me having a crush on someone, and it's usually weird, unexpected people. But not one single dude has tickled my fancy at all. One guy looks like this guy I used to have a mini thing for, but I've only seen him twice and have never talked to him. And people say college is supposed to introduce diversity, but so far, the majority of the people all seem the same. There are always exceptions, but generally, everyone seems to be in one big mush of the same kind. I kind of feel like a black sheep, but I like it. I like keeping to myself, just because that's how I am, and I like being kooky and weird. But so many of the girls here are so pretty. They have the best clothes, and the best shaped bodies, the best hair, and I feel like just a plain Jane with nothing special. Like, I wish so so badly that I was at least an inch taller. I wish I had naturally wavy/curly hair, and I wish my eyes were more green, not hazel/brown. I'll go to class thinking I look so cute, but then some other chick is that like, times ten. I probably sound completely contradictory, what with black sheep and then griping about being too plain and not noticed, but I don't mean it that way. What I like about myself is that I am different and kind of an oddball, but I also think it would be nice if someone noticed that as something endearing. Or maybe thought I was pretty or something, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm kind of a hermit & stay in making my playlists and typing up my stories, cause one of the only things I'm good at are writing and picking out the best songs for any given situation. Or maybe it's because I'm usually zoned out? I watched the new season of America's Top Model last night, and there is this one girl who keeps to herself and is always in a daze and everyone else thinks she's weird because of it. She's one of my favorite contestants, though.

I think I'm feeling better, but my class started three minutes ago. I'm going to my French at eleven, though. I really want to be able to be nearly fluent by the time I graduate. I want it bad enough that I'll work at it, too, as opposed to doing it half-assed. My mommy bought me this really pretty French calendar, so I'm so incredibly excited to use it come January. I would use it now, since it's sixteen month, but I like my London one that I currently have. And I am in love with London, so I can not do it the dis-service by taking it down until it's time. Heh.

I don't have much else to babble about, and I have to start getting ready for my next class. Doctor afterwards; hopefully I am not plagued. Au revoir.

The Walk

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:40:58 GMT

I am having this weird separation anxeity thing. My flight back home leaves today, and I kind of have to leave for the airport in an hour. I am going to hate it. It's going to be weird getting used to the fact that my dad is thousands of miles away for good. Of course, I'd rather have him be down here in Florida and happy than in Wisconsin and aloof from where he belongs with Benita and the warm weather and his man-cave in the upstairs of the new house. Yet when I am here, I miss my mom and family, my Millie puppy, my friends, my little dorm. So I guess either way there is something to make me into a Debbie Downer. Or Dani Downer, since I hate the name Debbie. Whatever. Also, I hate flying. I used to be so scared of it, and while I'm not so scared anymore, I still don't like it. I mean, why can't I be like Harry Potter and just *poof* appear where I want, when I want? 'Tis unfair...

I'm really glad to have this as one of my second homes, though. I kind of have three now, I guess. My dorm, my mom's, and my dad's. This down here will be like my monthly retreat. Thankfully my dad didn't erase everything oon my old computer yet because my iPod got erased and the computer is where all my songs were, not my laptop. So huzzah for getting all 3000+ songs back in a day. I don't know what I would've done otherwise! Except when I was playing pool with my dad yesterday (which I am quickly becoming pro at, much to my delight) the "Booty Man" some accidentally started playing super loud and I couldn't switch cause some other window was up on iTunes. I think he was acting like he didn't notice the ridiculousness of the words. Hah. I kind of aspire to be able to go to a pool hall and beat all the big, bulky, manly-men at pool. Little ol' me! Haha. That would be amazing. Also, I really want it to be cooler out so I can wear my fall clothes. I got this amazing jacket down here, and these black and gray shorts I want to wear with some tights and boots. So it really should hurry up and turn cold, like, now. Sigh...I just wanna go to sleep in my dorm. That's another thing. I want to dorm both semesters, but I can't because I don't have $5000 more dollars for next semester. So I need to get an apartment. That's not entirely bad, but still, I hardy feel old enough to be in college, let alone have my own place. I thought that I'd have to get a one bedroom and be alone because of the lackage of roomie options, but one of my current suite mates, Kari, said she'd room with me, so if both of us still need an apartment, it'll probably be us two, which is fine because she's cool/nice/normal/would be able to pay her rent portion.

This just in, I am shooting a game of pool with my dad since he just walked up here. Peace.

Age Six Racer

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:24:25 GMT

I feel like I was just thrust into this weird bubble of college life, and everything is happening so fast, and before I realize that the old order of things is changing, it's already gone. That's not to say that this new order is bad, because it's not. It's just taking some getting used to. It's just weird. Now I am taking French, belly dancing (hah) and am pretty much on my own. And I feel too little to be in college. Everytime when I saw a college person and I wasn't in college, they all looked so big and old, and I feel like I still look the same. Still a midget, still weird, still can pass for a tween to some people. Ah, well. I'm currently making an Autumn playlist on my iPod, seeing as it's no longer summer and my summer playlist will do me no good. I have some Archie Star, Adele, Augustana, Aqualung, Guster, Keane, Neil Young...I like it. I got lost on my way to French this morning, even though I left twenty minutes early. I even asked the hotdog guy on the corner for directions and was still late. My professor was really nice though, but it was slightly embarrassing because she just started talking at me in French and I had no idea what she was saying so I answered, "I'm Dani," much to everyone else's amusement. But the rest of the class was nice, minus this snobby girl next to me who laughed/scoffed when I sat down next to her. Oh well. Also, I saw a man walking a three-legged dog on campus today. He was so cute! (The dog, that is, even with a missing leg). I hope it doesn't have a hard doggy life. Oh! I also saw a guy with yellow toe nail polish...it was odd. I wonder if I'm going to talk to anyone from my high school here. Of course, Bonnie Alyssa and Kelly, since we're gradeschool buddies. And Jake, too. I keep hearing peope talking about always drinking so far. It makes me glad that I was constantly drinking in high school and summer, because now it's out of my system and I won't be going buck wild on booze. And I really really want to do well. I want to be really good at French, I want to do well in my other classes, I want to keep belly dancing (once again: hah), and I want to make it on the Dean's list at least once. What I don't want to do is finish putting away all my clothes (yes, they're still not unpacked) but I guess I have to because if anyone new comes into my dorm, I would prefer it not being a tornado of clothes. So, peace. Actually, Au Revori!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 20:13:12 GMT

Well, it started out as one of the best summers, and it's going to end one of the lonliest. I don't even care about the people I'll meet in college, because the people I want will just be in this continued painful absence. My sister told me of someone else today that I look forward to seeing will not be around. I know I have my friends, and I am eternally thankful for them. But there is still a void that needs to be filled. I come across people that fill it, and then when some circumstance comes up and leaves them gone, the void just gets bigger. So now I need something huge to happen for that to be filled. And guess what? That's not going to happen anytime soon. So I guess I'm stuck being miserable. Awesome. I've been practically living at Alex's house. At least there is a friend I can share my pain with. Speaking of which, I should have left for her house ten minutes ago. So I guess I won't be typing away my sorrows on here? Peace.